There is a mourning and grieving process that so many of us face. When the 5 Stages of Grief Are Caused by Illness You go through the “five stages of grief.” Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance all rush through you as you mourn the lose of some dear to you. Yourself.
It has taken away my ability to be Jason Bourne. All the action and superhero movies that I watch, I no longer look at and say to myself, “I could do that.” I look at trampoline parks that my daughters want to go to for a party and cringe. I feel my body ache prematurely as my wife wants to do a marathon. You dread looking at yard work because you know you will be down for days and not be able to do anything.
. You tell yourself to suck it up and do things. You believe what others tell you that you don’t look sick. You listen to what people say when they shout, “Why can’t you just be normal?” You push and push to be normal and this makes your condition worse.
You lash out at others who are frustrated with you at not being the person they remember. You scream in your mind that you should be normal and why is this happening to you. The anger rolls off of you in waves, pushing those who try to help you away.
You start to plead with people to stay. You cling to those last few people so hard it crushes them. You try to keep up and make deals. You try every supplement, exercise, and diet known to man in an effort to make things better. You bargain with yourself that it can’t get worse, but it does
You see no way out. In the deep hole you have dug, you see what you believe to be your only options. You find yourself trapped and weighed down by your illness. Loneliness, regret, and pain. You thought at the beginning of all this it would never be this bad. In the general population, suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 15-24.If you are at this stage, please reach out.
You have to fight your body, your mind, doubters, and all the other stages to get here. You have to accept that you cannot do what you could before. You have to grieve the loss of your old self. It can feel a very hollow victory when you still have a life chronic illness ahead of you. I look at these stages and milestones at how far I have personally fought to get over. You have to accept what you are now and that is OK. It is OK that you are sick.
I may never be Jason Bourne, but he is not real. I am. And I am still here.